I have to get this off my mind so that I might be able to sleep tonight.
It has been a very... off... week.
Chris came to visit Friday and since he's been here my world has seemed upside down. There's something about being around him that makes me feel so anxious, so apprehensive, so completely inadequate, that I often slip right into this state of totally bummed-out. And I've pinpointed the cause of this anxiety: when he's away I like to have my delusions. I think that we're friends because we talk every now and then, because I ask how he's doing, and because he's been so open and honest with me about so much of his life. Because I believe that we're friends, it makes it hard for him to act otherwise while he's here. In fact, it seems nearly impossible for him to find a spare moment in his day to regard me, even the slightest.
That may be a bit of an exaggeration, but the way that we interact screams something to this effect. It's pretty hurtful, really, and when I hear that he's gone off with some one else, a girl who's prettier, funnier, older, or more competent overall than I consider myself to be, it instills in me this insurmountable feeling of inadequacy which more or less ruins my day.
And today, Chuck has been acting off. I'm less inclined to be angry with him, because I know he's under stress, and he hasn't done anything that I should be angry with, but as a result of the pent up apprehension that I have because of Chris's behavior, I am now keenly aware of the inconsistencies of others' behavior. Thus, I read chuck's distance as something that I'm really praying it isn't. And while I was laying in bed, for the past hour an a half or so, I turned over in my head the thought that I need to guard myself more. I need to be careful how attached I get to these people, because we may not be as close as I perceived. And that perhaps I should come to expect this from the general population at one point or another.
There's also a great likelihood that I'm feeling ignored and am being dramatic. Objectively, Chris and I aren't altogether very close and I'm bummed out because I still have feelings for him and it appears that I am a last priority for him. Because I probably am. Because we are not, in reality, very close at all.
The stress that I have in regards to Chuck are probably stemming from a similar branch, in that because he didn't have much to say during the time we spent together today, I'm assuming that I said something, did something, on and on, that offended him or put him off. This is probably unrealistic. He's probably just stressed out. And I'm probably being dramatic.
In five hours I have to get up for a class. I hope I can sleep. Goodnight.