Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength; they will soar on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Kesha's a babysitter for all shapes and sizes

So I got a job today. Two boys, a two year old and a three year old, Tristan and Edmund, whose parents are from England and Russia. My life just got loads more cultured. Maybe I'll come around. So including these boys, I've babysat for infants, toddlers, kindergarten-2nd Graders, and 3-5 Graders. After 5th Grade, who needs a babysitter? I was staying home alone when I was 10 years old. No big deal. Any how, very exciting. Bed time, sleep tight.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

October in New England

It goes something like this: two or three weeks ago, close to 90 degrees outside. Last night, snow. Tomorrow night, 3-5 INCHES of SNOW. Ah, new england, no medication is strong enough to your height of bipolarity.
So this weekend is filled with lots of miscellaneousness. First thing tomorrow, I awake to go craft shopping and thrifting with the Sarahs, followed by some crafting (the construction of the invitations for Teebs birthday party) which simply THRILLS me. Then, there is the potential of some homework, as I have about 400 pages to read by next friday. At 5:30 I have a very nerve wracking meeting of a two year old and a three year old. Oh yeah, and their parents. That's right, Ke$h's officially a Gordon College babysitter. And for $30 a week, I have no complaints. So we'll see how that goes, but I'm pumped. I love the children. Then lets see, sunday I have church at the crack of dawn, and then I have studying and homeworking in the library until a reasonable hour to which I shall troll back to my room, across our forsaken campus, and sleep until 7ish on halloween to begin a glorious new week; the one which begins November. I'm very excited.
You see, the closer to november we get, the closer to thanksgiving (which I love), and then the closer to christmas which means a whole month off. Very exciting.
Anyhow, moving on.
The last couple of days have done me in. I'm not sure whats going on with me but I've been feeling quite inexplicably lonely and have slept we-hay-haaaay too much. For example, thursday I set my alarm for 8:45. The next thing I know, it's 11:15 and I have to get up to get ready for class. This morning, I set my alarm for 6:45 and didn't wake up until 9:15. Now, while I always love sleep, I missed two classes today and my guilt is radiating, even though I most likely did not miss anything important. Just the idea that I've gotten to that point that I miss class to sleep. It's just not me. I need to get my life together. Also, I've been really missing Nate the past couple of days. And not just "oh, I wish I had a boyfriend" kind of missing him, but "what if we were actually meant to be together?" kind of missing him. When I start to think that way I remind myself that if I really loved him I wouldn't have feelings for someone else, that I'm just longing for a relationship, that I spend a significant amount of time by myself at school and it gets lonely, and that it was comfortable. Then I remind myself that I don't want a relationship that's built just off of comfort, I don't want to settle, and that love needs to be passionate, abnormal, wonderful (if such a thing exists) to be lasting. Or whatever. I obviously don't know what I'm talking about, completely. I've just been thinking that nate is a really good guy and maybe I threw something away. But no.
So this is my self talk. Just a recap of the past couple of days. Sorry for exposing all of you to that. Oh, lets be real, there's none of you. It's just me who reads this. Oh well.
I hope you all have a magnificent weekend. I may or may not be back here tomorrow. We'll see.

Thursday, October 27, 2011


Coldplay: I always though that they played music that was a cross between green day and nickelback. Basically, awful. However, my beautiful roommate is somewhat addicted to them and has downloaded (and played nonstop) their new Album.
Turns out, I'm in love with them.
This is a great song.
Look at the stars
Look how they shine for you
And everything you do
Yeah, they were all yellow

I came along
I wrote a song for you
And all the things you do
And it was called "Yellow"

So then I took my turn
Oh what a thing to have done
And it was all "Yellow"

Your skin
Oh yeah, your skin and bones
Turn into something beautiful
And you know,
You know I love you so
You know I love you so

I swam across
I jumped across for you
Oh what a thing to do
'Cause you were all "Yellow"

I drew a line
I drew a line for you
Oh what a thing to do
And it was all "Yellow"

Your skin
Oh yeah your skin and bones
Turn into something beautiful
And you know
For you I'd bleed myself dry
For you I'd bleed myself dry

It's true, look how they shine for you
Look how they shine for you
Look how they shine for
Look how they shine for you
Look how they shine for you
Look how they shine

Look at the stars
Look how they shine for you
And all the things that you do


Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Also, Dear Reader

I felt it necessary to share this with you. A justification of the end of my healthy yet safe past relationship:

The Horrifying Dream I Had (And other interesting things)

Not last night, but the night before, I lay down to go to bed, which I do so successfully after about an hour (I can never get to sleep. these beds are like boards) and somewhere around 5 have this horrible nightmare:
It's as though I'm watching a movie, so I'm just an onlooker, but there is this man who has recently been diagnosed with bipolar or something and he is having a manic episode. His son and daughter or his son and his son's girlfriend are sitting in the car, both in the front seat. The father climbs in the back seat and violently stabs through the back of the drivers seat (where his son is sitting) with a knife that is appx. 12 inches with a serrated blade. The son sits there, in the front seat, slowly dying, and urges his sister or girlfriend to get out, run away, when the father stabs her through the seat too. She dies instantly. Then, the son pulls his own knife (out of NOWHERE) and reaches into the back seat to kill his father. After completing the task, I actually SEE the life go out of his eyes.
So that was that. Needless to say, when I awoke from that dream at about 5 am I experienced some difficulty going back to sleep. I turn on Otto Koning's The Pineapple Series, which is a series of sermons, and begin to browse through the hulu TV shows. However, the website greets me with the lovely picture of  a masked man and the introduction of something to do with Halloween. So I lay in my bed, paralyzed, until about 6, when I fell back asleep until 9, and got up and went to the gym. Hurrah.

So today I was stumbled upon this blog, and a post about the most awesome photos of soldiers, taken by soldiers. Something about men in uniform makes my heart shake a little and my stomach do a flip. Pearl Harbor kind of did me in, with that. Danny (Josh Hartnett) looking so sad when his best friend and childhood hero went off to Britain, his righteous anger. His heartwrenching attractiveness. Anyway, I found these pictures, look at them if you get a sec.
They're pictures of British soldiers, but hey, still cool.
Enjoy the rest of your wonderfully fall-esque day.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Pop! Goes my focus...

Sitting here, studying for another Human Behavior Exam, and am taken aback by these developmental theories (that I have evidently never paid attention to before tonight. whoopsie.). They all seem to be telling me that I'm going to be a failure because I:

  • Have experienced anxiety during an identity crisis yet may not have made a decision
  • Have strong conflicting feelings about what I should or shouldn't do
  • Am a passive follower, in general
  • Often feel inferior
Isn't it wonderful? I'm going to be stagnant! 
Well, Mr. Erickson, not if I can help it. I've become determined to overcome this passivity, this anxiety, this people-pleasing attitude, in order to be who I am supposed to be. I'm pretty sure that I'm not supposed to be a doormat. 
Anywho, I'm clearly not studying at the moment, this being because I decided to take a 15 minute study break about an hour ago and since then have been studying intermittently in about 10 minute intervals. I'm having trouble focusing. This is what happens to me when I try to cram all my studying in the night before the exam. I'm such a slacker. 

Also, an update. I have been periodically working on my blog, trying to make it pretty or whatever, so right now its pretty ugly. Lots of stuff aren't working right now and it's just a mess. When I find time, and when I don't have work to drown under, I will get back to sprucing it up. In the mean time, enjoy the homey plainness of it. Now, it's time for me to go learn about why assertiveness is important and how that ship has sailed for me. Hopefully they've got a vessel that I can get on board with. 


Sunday, October 23, 2011

How Great the Father’s Love For Us: A Reflection

 “To tell you the truth, they believe and disbelieve.” So begins the first line of Czeslaw Milosz’s poem, Dread. While this book of poems is filled to the brim with controversial and often questionable musings, it could be argued that this one evokes from its Christian readers a feeling of dread when considering the idea that a man died for those whom would neither know him nor regard his suffering in any manner that didn’t serve to divert their peers from “think[ing] they are godless (42)”. In the context of Gordon College, this poem may be used to move mountains.
            A new rule has been made in chapel this year, asking all present students to put away their textbooks, laptops, cell phones, and whispered conversations in order to fully participate in the ritual of chapel: to hear the message that is being spoken. To actually get something out of the service that all are required to attend. However, how many of these students listen, or care? Even subconsciously, how many of us are attending chapel three times a week simply because we are required to fulfill our 30 life and worship credits? How many of us attend church every week because our parents (and perhaps our consciences) would nag us if we did not? Is this what Christ died for?
            Milosz poses two very interesting questions here: did Christ die for nothing; and did he know it might be like this? His poem goes on to say “during the sermon they think of Julia’s tits, of an elephant, of the price of butter, and of New Guinea.” When looking back on all the times that I’ve sat in church, often struggling to keep my eyes open, and thinking that Christ “dared to think they might be like that,” it fills me with dread as well. Dread of meeting my savior because of how ashamed he must be of me. That I bear his name when I regard myself as a “Christian” almost seems a disgrace. How can I call myself a Christian when I know that while he was praying that night at the garden of Gethsemane, when he was being spit on and whipped, when the Roman soldiers forced a crown of thorns onto his head and nailed his arms and legs to the cross, he was predicting the way I would behave? It seems like this is so far separated from us that we prefer to “wash our hands of his blood” as Pilate did.
            However, this poem should not serve only as a bitter confrontation, but also as a testament to the love Christ had for us. It is taught in the Bible that the Lord knows everything, he knows us by name before we exist. Being thus, it should be understood that he knew our actions and our attitudes toward his life and death while he knelt in that garden and when he was begging the Father to “take this cup away from him”, but chose to die for us, as undeserving as we are, anyway. To overstate his passion would be impossible.
            Perhaps this poem may be read to the students of Gordon College, explained throughout that Christ did not die so that we may take his death for granted. However, he died in full knowledge that it may be that way. He died for us regardless of our apathy. His perfect soul took on the grime of our sins and shed his innocent blood for our guilty and meaningless lives. How can we say that Christ was just an ordinary man, when we look at this poem.
            He dared to think they might be like that
            That night when he knelt in the Garden of Olives
            And felt on His back the cold sweat of dread.
How great the love of a man who suffered knowing that his pain may be for naught!

Good evening

Saturday night and I can actually say that for the first time I saw Anasapphira play live. Who's Anasapphira, you ask? Why, just the greatest band e'er.

Actually, today was the first time I had ever heard them play, and I went to this show on a strict obligation. You see, the tall, lanky man standing at the far left in the above picture is a friend from home. We went to Honduras together, and braved the terrors of Parkhurst & Co., Inc. together. We helped one another through a pretty rough time and we keep in touch now that I'm back at school. I love 'im. But like a brotha. 
However, the music that he tried to expose me to is what we, here at Gordon College, call "hardcore". I.e., metal, screamo, what have you. All in all, not my kind of music. But the thing about this kind of music is that you can actually feel the passion and energy that they have just from being present.

[Ana Sapphira errone]

That is, if you don't get stepped on and thrown around, which is a pretty viable threat.
Their front man is nuts. In a really awesome way. Its so cool to watch them interact and to watch them feel what they're playing and singing. Just an overall awesome experience. 
There may even be a chance that I would go to another one of their shows. I've been told that they're pretty solid for a metal band (woohoo!). However, I'm 5'3" and 110 pounds so I would be tossed around that place like a feather. I may have to weigh the pros and cons (and the value of my life) before I decide to go. 
On another note, I attended this show with three guys; we'll call them Tom, Dick, and Harry. Harry is a sophomore who I met through college bound (which I'll touch upon at a later time). He's pretty much a space case but he's really thoughtful and really nice. When I was getting trampled, I escaped, and he followed me out to make sure I was all right. Good guy.
Dick is wonderful. A junior at Gordon, he's crazy and hilarious and precious. Also a really good guy. He tried to protect me from the mosh pit, to little avail.
Ohhh boy. I'm basically in love with him. Which isn't something I should probably be confessing to online. But the chances that he'll stumble upon this are incredibly slim, so I'll worry not. He's a guy that's been through hell for basically his whole life. It's worsened over the past few months. There was a girl involved and family problems that I don't know the depth of but basically, he's a great guy with a lot of bad, messed up, problems. To make things worse, he's one of my ex's best friends (score!). Ultimately, the last person I could ever be involved with. Sooo we'll be working on that. Right there on my to-do list. 
So its saturday night. Tomorrow I get up for church and then spend the afternoon with my beautiful aunt, and then waste away the evening doing homework, and then we begin another beautiful, wonderful week!

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

The Thing I'm Saving Up For

The Canon Rebel XS (as referenced by Bridget). Close to $400 on Amazon, including a lens.

Oh Today

Somehow I've made it through this day (as I state this my mind is singing 'Like a Virgin' by Madonna...I made it through the wilderness, you know I've made it through...although the version covered by Cameron Diaz at the end of Shrek). Its the end of wednesday which signifies the midway point of this miserably long week. The weather was wonderfully miserable, which pleased me after a night of no sleep. I woke up last night/this morning at 3:30 and despite my eager yearning for sleep, I had a bout of insomnia and stayed up until I decided to get ready for class at 6:30. However, I didn't go to bed until 2 (which was a bad decision on my part) SO I got a total of 1.5 hours of sleep last night. Woohoo! Fortunately, I came back after my Human Behavior class and snuggled up in my bed and let sleep take me. It was glorious. Rainy days are perfect nap days. I would have snuggled up with a mug of hot chocolate and a wonderful...dvd of Friends or Gilmore Girls...if I hadn't had to run to Power, Prestige, and Poverty. Then some other frustrations occurred, and now I'm sitting under the blankets in my bed, slowly feeling my eyelids droop as I write this and wishing that I had crafting materials.
What frustrates me is this:

71 degrees tomorrow?! ITS OCTOBER! Although saturday and sunday are looking lovely. I've  got some pretty wonderful weekend plans, too!

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

"Dread" by Czeslaw Milosz

To tell the truth, they believe and disbelieve.
They go to church lest someone think they are godless.
During the sermon they think of Julia's tits, of an elephant,
Of the price of butter, and of New Guinea.

He dared to think they might be like that
That night when he knelt in the Garden of Olives
And felt on his back the cold sweat of dread.

Monday, October 17, 2011

My Heart's All A-Patter

For the past three days I've had anxiety about going to bed, and for the past three days I have not slept. You see, all my life I've been hyper sensitive--emotionally and psychologically, especially to horror movies. Well, recently I felt that I had been doing better. I had watched several horror movies that didn't frighten me to my very core and I had very little trouble sleeping following any of them. Thus, watching horror movies this weekend while I was home did not seem like such a terrible idea. On Friday, Sarah, Teebs and I sat down and watched first The Exorcist (how was it legal to make a movie like that?!) and then a movie called Mirrors. Obviously, the first movie not only scared me, but deeply disturbed me. I genuinely believe in demons and possession. I believe in the power that they have and that they can cause serious horror in those who don't have Christ. Seeing something like that happen, even fictionally, twisted something within me. I knew it wasn't something I should have been watching but after a certain point, you simply can't turn it off. You HAVE to know how it's going to end. So we finished that and were fairly satisfied with the ending, however upsetting it was. That was that.
Then, however, we decided to watch the movie that has been the cause of my lack of sleep. I wanted to blog about this last night but I honestly couldn't bring myself to put it into words. It was the story of demons that existed in mirrors and caused horrible things to happen to those who looked into them. Something about this movie absolutely terrified me. And as I went to sleep on friday night on the pull out couch in my living room, I lay across from a large mirror and became almost sick with fear. Paralyzed under heaps of blankets and sweating (it was 80 degrees in my living room) I tried to focus on Confessions of a Shopaholic that I carefully made sure would be on for as long as possible. Finally, I fell asleep around 3, I believe, and woke up slightly terrified at 6:30 when I realized that someone else was awake, which makes me feel significantly safer. I then got up and went back to sleep beside my mom until 9:15, when I carefully made my way back down to the living room and fell asleep for another hour beside Sarah, who never knew I had left.
Now, it's a quarter to eleven and I'm a little nauseous, and feeling very anxious about going to sleep. I register that these things are only movies that really cannot affect me in real life, but somehow illogical things seem to make sense when it's dark and quiet during the wee hours of morning.
So last night, as I lay awake, reading "It's a Hunt Life", I basically made a decision to stay up until I had to get ready for class. I actually looked up what time the sun was anticipated to rise, as if it would comfort me. I believe I feel asleep around six, 59 minutes before the world would awaken.
I'm praying with all my heart that I won't have another night like the last. Nothing terrifies me more than fear.
On a more positive note, I've decided that I want to get engaged in the winter and married in the fall--the colder months are my favorite. I have decide that I want my bridesmaids and I to walk down the aisle to "Love Never Fails" by Brandon Heath. I've decided that while I really look forward to my wedding, I'm not in a rush to get married.  I know that I have a great deal of personal growth to pursue, and that I need to learn to focus more on God and less on the future. I won't be able to be in a solid, loving, steady relationship unless it focuses around Him, and He remains more important than the man that I love. In this light, I figure that I have plenty of time to meet and fall in love with my soulmate, my destined other, what have you. And right now, I'll be working toward soothing my anxious soul and grower closer to God.


I'm still awake. I've been awake since 9:30 yesterday morning and I'm not sure when or if sleep will come, unfortunately. I have to get up for class in 2 hours.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Dear Loved One

I don't know you yet. At least, I don't believe I do. But I want you to know that I pray for you sometimes. That you're growing to be a man after God's own heart, like David. That we can share a wealth of love and a desire for justice together. Love, not only for each other but for the world. That you'll help me grow and that I will do the same for you. There's so much in my past that I'm working on putting behind me. There's so much I need to change before we can find one another, but I know that God will put you into my life at exactly the right time. Exactly when I need you. Exactly when it is right for me to have you. Dear Loved One, wait for me; I am waiting for you.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

השתמש בי אדני לתפארת שלך

Invisible Children
Compassion International

Industries that focus so widely on social justice. Industries that are doing something, making some things right in some way. Here I am blogging about justice. My heart yearns to make a difference. I'm tired of living in my own arrogance and privilege.
I just want to make a difference. I want to be called outside of my comfort zone.

Wedding Movies Were Made for People Like Me

While they were, simultaneously, most definitely NOT made for people like me. I've been sitting in my bed for the past hour and a half watching bride wars and stumbling on weddings. I'm not sure which is more exciting to me: the idea that I still have years ahead of me to meet the love of my life and have a beautiful (and extensively creative) wedding, or the idea that I HAVE FRIENDS. Friends who will let me be crafty and make lovely things for their weddings and help them to plan the weddings. Oh goodness. I've gotten into this terrible mood to do crafts with no means of relieving this unquenched desire. I can't wait!