Lociento

I'm sorry for this. I'm saying that in advance. But I haven't posted in a while because lately I've been in that place. You know, the discouraged, a little depressed, bummin, blue place where all you want to do is fantasize about what your life would be like if you were a different person, and then pretending that you actually could be that person, all the while being painstakingly aware that you can't. It blows over here, in this place.
So today, instead of accomplishing anything worthwhile, I read this book:

I started it at like, 2 this afternoon and finished at about 15 minutes ago, so please excuse me if I start to sound like a pretentious, upper class, cracked out white girl. {I frequently write in the voice of whatever I've just read}

But anyways, I spent the first half this book thinking about how I wish I was (insert adjective here) so that if I ever met this Babe Walker person, I could impress her. And then I spent the second half realizing that I would hate this woman if I ever met her in person. But that is beside the point. The thing is, lately I haven't been terribly happy with myself. At all, actually.

Now, this sounds like a pity post, but really it's a post about what I'm thinking and whatnot, that I'm publishing because there are like, 2 people who read this {and they don't actually mention this to me EVER}, I'm feeling too ashamed to prayer-journal about it, and I don't keep a regular journal.

See, whenever I'm all down on myself, I've got the friends saying the standard "No, you're not super obnoxious" "No, you're not ugly" "No you're not boring" "No you're not..." Whatever insecurity I'm suffering at the moment. Generally something about my social ineptness {which is actually a word according to google chrome}. And they'll sound all genuine and whatnot but really, how many of us will say a kind word to someone just to make them stop complaining to us, so that we can get on with our lives? Not a selfish thing to do, just...what we do, right? And even if we do believe them, it lasts for a minute, an hour, a day, very rarely a week, and then we convince ourselves that a. they were lying, or b. they don't know what they're talking about. 

I'm sure most of you know what I'm talking about, yes?

So really, it doesn't matter how many "your hair is so beautiful, you should leave it like that all the time"s that I get, I'm still going to hate my hair. And it doesn't matter how many "you're a great person, you should really be more sure of yourself"s I get, I still think I'm an awkward 12 year old looking girl with ugly purple wire glasses who couldn't possibly stand up beside the rest of the field hockey team and feel good about herself. It's a problem.

But sometimes I'll convince myself that I'm okay.

And that usually involves a lot of prayer and God and stuff, but lately, for some reason, I've been drowning in a huge puddle of doubts and confusion and basically my life seems like a big giant miserable blur. And to be completely honest, it freaks me out. 

So what I'm working on right now:

1} Not hating myself

2} Confronting this issue I'm having in regards to my faith.

There's a lot of work to do, and I don't have even the slightest clue as to where to begin. So, if you would, please please please pray for the pathetic girl whose blog you follow.

And thanks for reading this, if you got all the way through. Goodnight.