Jesus plus Nothing equals Everything

This is the book I've been reading recently, entitled Jesus + Nothing = Everything, by Tullian Tchividjian.

I want to share a few quotes and a few reflections from the book.

"In his grace, he won't play hide-and-seek with you. In your weakness and weariness, cry out to him. he will find you, and He will be your rock."{Paul David Tripp

"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world." {C.S. Lewis}

"'I'm looking to something or someone smaller than Jesus to be what only Jesus can be for me.'" {Tullian Tchividjian}

"Whatever your heart clings to and confides in, that is really your God." {Martin Luther}

"Our rules become our substitute savior." {Tullian Tchividjian}

"The gospel is...for those who long to be freed from the slavery of believing that all of their significance, meaning, purpose, and security depend on our ability to 'become a better you."

"Is there any meaning in my life that the inevitable death awaiting me does not destroy?" {Leo Tolstoy}

"Only inside clean-up leads to outside clean-up." {Tullian Tchividjian}

I've reflected a lot over the past year on my tendency to want to perfect myself--convincing myself that if I work harder, I can be better, and once I'm better, I'll be happy. What I'm understanding is that the mental list of changes I need to make to myself is useless and unrealistic. It's something that I shouldn't even be expecting myself to consult as a measurement of progress. I've been looking to my own ability to change and be better, pretending that Grace doesn't exist. I'm not sure what to do with that. I don't believe that I should stop trying to overcome the things I want to overcome, but I need to recognize that there is NOT a place in my life for perfection of myself, and the only time I'll ever appear faultless is on judgement day, when God sees Christ instead of me.

After 10 years of "walking the walk", I'm finally understanding what this all means. 

Love Never Fails

Love Never Fails

By Brandon Heath

Love is not proud 
Love does not boast
Love after all 
Matters the most 
Love does not run
Love does not hide
Love does not keep
Locked inside 
Love is the river that flows through
Love never fails you
Love will sustain
Love will provide
Love will not cease
At the end of time 
Love will protect
Love always hopes
Love still believes
When you don’t 
Love is the arms that are holding you
Love never fails you
When my heart won’t make a sound
When I can’t turn back around
When the sky is falling down
Nothing is greater than this 
Greater than this
Love is right here
Love is alive
Love is the way
The truth the life
Love is the river than flows through
Love is the arms that are holding you
Love is the place you will fly to
Love never fails you


1 Corinthians 13:4

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

 ⁸ Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

Be Thou My Vision

Be Thou My Vision

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

Be Thou my battle Shield, Sword for the fight;
Be Thou my Dignity, Thou my Delight;
Thou my soul’s Shelter, Thou my high Tower:
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.

Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.

{This was the best version I was able to find. If you know a better one, I'd love to hear it.}

One of these days, I'll go to bed before 2

But that day is not today.

Two weeks suddenly feels like an incredibly small amount of time. I've got a pile of eyelet trim lying on my bedroom floor in rolls and tangles, and my mind is spinning with ideas for all this fabric.

But as for today, I dropped the ball on my January 1st Post.

Last year in church, Pastor talked about not making resolutions so that we may have our "yes be yes and our no be no" so I'm leaning toward no resolution at all. However, there are a lot of things I'd like to see happen this year.

So a year is 365 days. One down, so 364. For 365 days I Will Try


To keep my GPA at or above the 3.28 it is at right now.

To Live Healthier (physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally).

Be a better steward of my money.

To make amends in my relationship with God.

To look at myself as His creation, and not as my own mistake.


These are things that are going to take a lot of work, so I might as well throw in overcoming laziness and procrastination, too. My classes next semester aren't going to be a breeze, so there'll be a lot of work and a lot of library time. I have a weakness for mozarella sticks, and lane tends to have a pretty limited selection and I loathe going to the gym. I love shopping more than almost anything and I spend money carelessly unless I keep a tight leash on my budget. I've harbored some resentment and doubts about God off and on for a while, but it is something that I need to work on, so that's up there too.
Then there's all my self esteem issues that I'm going to try to let go on so that I can live up to what I'm supposed to be.

Then there's this:

This year, I want to Create. It's my word, if you will, for 2012. {So if the world ends in firey destruction in december, I'm going to be pretty bummed}. But give me crafts, give me arts, give me that Camera that I so desperately want, and beauty will become it.

So those are my goals for this year. Solid?

What are your resolutions? All...four of my readers. {Four followers! How exciting!}

Happy New Year. I hope you have a wonderful first week of the 2012.

Epiphany

When I broke up with Nate in July, it was partly because I was unhappy, and partly because I felt a very real pull away from him and toward God. I felt like, by continuing my relationship with Nate, that I was defying God's plan in some way that I couldn't understand. That I was being disobedient. Call me crazy, call me a fake, call me what you will, but I know from the depths of my heart that God was calling me away from that relationship.

Well since then, I have been trying to put a significant amount of effort into restoring my relationship with God, and have been working at being the person God has created me to be. However, it has been a struggle. It's been hard figuring out how to go about forming a relationship, how to encourage myself in doing this, and trying to do it on my own. It's been super challenging. Now, I can't say that I don't have some very good friends: I do. I have friends that I love and admire and value greatly. However, I don't have friends that I feel comfortable or able to talk to about faith, especially my struggles with it. I depended on Nate for that, and I do feel that although we're friends, I can't continue to let us both become emotionally involved with one another again if I don't want anything further to come of our relationship.

So I've been feeling discouraged, I've been struggling, and I've been hungry. And I've felt like I've disappointed God because I can't do it right, I can't do it well, and I can't do it by myself.

Today, I had a conversation with a friend. While I went to him for a word of advice, he came to me with more support and encouragement than I could have asked for. The advice I asked for led me into much more of an emotional state than I had expected, which gave way to a conversation about faith and support and the hardships of being a christian. I shared with him how difficult it is to try to grow in Christ on my own. He told me "No, it's not difficult. It's kind of impossible."

I think that is so incredibly encouraging. While I'm still struggling, it definitely helps to know that I'm not letting God down by being unable to do this by myself. It shows me that while I'm not the strongest, I don't have to be, because we aren't designed to pursue Him on our own. That's why Church is so important: it's having a support group. It's having a family that encourages you in your walk so that you do grow. 

I'm still sure that my decision was the right one, but I'm praying that God will bring someone into my life to help me come back to Him.

Just thought I'd share some encouragement, if I can.

Have a lovely weekend!

Psalm 91

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most Hight will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust."
Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare and from the deadly pestilence.
He will cover you with his feathers and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that fliess by day,
nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday.
A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you.
You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked.
If you make the Most High your dwelling--even the Lord, who is my refuge--
Then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent.
For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways;
They will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
You will tread upon the lion and the cobra; yo will trample the great lion and the serpent.
"Because he loves me," says the Lord, "I will rescue him; I will protect him for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him.
With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation."

I Will Praise You In This Storm

Praise You In This Storm
I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

[Chorus:]
And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

[Chorus]

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

[Chorus x2] 

{Psalm 121}

¹ I lift up my eyes to the mountains— 

where does my help come from? 

² My help comes from the LORD, 

the Maker of heaven and earth.

³ He will not let your foot slip— 

he who watches over you will not slumber; 

⁴ indeed, he who watches over Israel 

will neither slumber nor sleep.

⁵ The LORD watches over you— 

the LORD is your shade at your right hand; 

⁶ the sun will not harm you by day, 

nor the moon by night.

⁷ The LORD will keep you from all harm— 

he will watch over your life; 

⁸ the LORD will watch over your coming and going 

both now and forevermore.

Kill me, heal me, on and on

What to do when you have a friend going through intense depression? Well, that's something I'm asking myself right now. How to help, how to not say the wrong thing, how to get across that you love them and want them to be there. It's hard. Pray for them is my only (and probably best) option right now, and I would ask that you pray for them too. Thanks.

Today Was Like Love

I woke up this morning exhausted, struggled through two classes and a chapel, and as I was falling asleep during naptime around 11:30, I thought to myself, If I'm not sure if I'm okay, does that mean I'm not okay?

Last semester I struggled a lot with depression, and the year before that. Nothing too serious, but enough to confine me to my room most of the time and cry myself to sleep regularly. I had some solid support, my ex boyfriend was so great about it and did his best to help me, and I had a couple of good friends who were there for me to lean on, but it was a really difficult time. Sometimes I would be sitting in chapel and wonder what it would be like to jump off the balcony, or be standing on a bridge and wonder how effective it would be to jump. I don't know if I'd have done anything, but my mom's voice was always going through my head from a time in tenth grade that I was dealing with something similar, telling me "If anything happened to you, I'd have no reason to live."

Lately, things have been hard. No where near as hard as they were last semester, but lonely and sad, and I just don't want things to get to that point again.

I woke up at one and got ready for class, and then afterward I wandered around campus for a while, first going to the dock and realizing that someone was already there, and then scoping out Frost to see if I could locate the prayer room, to no avail at first. So I texted Chuck and then he, being the wonderful guy that he is, excused himself from class to call me and tell me where it was. As if he knew I needed it today. 

So I walk into this room, and the first thing I do is start to cry, because it's all I can do. This room is {first of all} so cozy. It's warm with the perfect lighting and just the right size. And then the walls are covered with drawn pictures and quotes written in crayon everywhere. Everyone talking to God. It was such a beautiful experience, sitting in this room that so many other people had contributed to. 

It seems right that tomorrow is the day of prayer. 

And in honor of the day of prayer, I give you a list of some of my favorite praise and worship songs.

Beautiful Things - {Gungor}
The Stand - {Hillsong}
Oceans from the Rain {Seventh Day Slumber}
Forever Reign {Hillsong}
In Christ Alone {Owl City}
Amazing Because It Is {The Almost}
Praise You In This Storm {Casting Crowns}
How He Loves {David Crowder Band}
Indescribable {Chris Tomlin}
Came To My Rescue {Hillsong}
What Faith Can Do {Kutless}

Also, if any of you, my readers, ever need prayer, feel free to shoot me an email. 

These Nights

Its been a few weeks now that I've had trouble sleeping. Every night, it seems, I go to bed, exhausted and ready just to sleep. Then I toss and turn for hours before I finally fall asleep, and when I do, I sleep for a few hours and wake up with some sort of terrible nightmare. Such has been the cycle of sleep for me. I'm not sure whats going on with me. I just know that I have to figure out how to cope with this. It's exhausting.
On another note, it is now november first! 55 days until christmas everyone, and only one month until ABC Family's 25 Days of Christmas, a very exciting time of the year. Three weeks until thanksgiving, 12 days until  I get to go home for the weekend. So many things to look forward to. However, I first need to get through this week. An essay in spanish, journals in sociology, and I haven't even looked at the syllabus for Nobel Lit. It'll be a week full of work, which is something that I can't say I've done much of this semester. I may actually benefit from dousing myself in work, holing up in the library. i need to find my self discipline, my determination, my motivation. I need to remember what made me run before I became so lazy. I need to kick this laziness.

Also, if anyone happens to read this, I would ask for your prayer requests right now. I haven't had nightmares like this since I was a child. I'm not sure what has brought them on, though I suspect the self exposure to horror movies may have contributed to that (this is exactly what I mean when I speak of self discipline). I'm also just meandering on the brink of failure, I believe, too. Sleeping all the time, missing classes, procrastinating, taking things too personally, and questioning the choices I've made. Prayer would be greatly appreciated.

I hope you all have an easier time of getting to sleep than I have and than I most likely will tonight. Enjoy the beginning of an entirely new month!

My Heart's All A-Patter

For the past three days I've had anxiety about going to bed, and for the past three days I have not slept. You see, all my life I've been hyper sensitive--emotionally and psychologically, especially to horror movies. Well, recently I felt that I had been doing better. I had watched several horror movies that didn't frighten me to my very core and I had very little trouble sleeping following any of them. Thus, watching horror movies this weekend while I was home did not seem like such a terrible idea. On Friday, Sarah, Teebs and I sat down and watched first The Exorcist (how was it legal to make a movie like that?!) and then a movie called Mirrors. Obviously, the first movie not only scared me, but deeply disturbed me. I genuinely believe in demons and possession. I believe in the power that they have and that they can cause serious horror in those who don't have Christ. Seeing something like that happen, even fictionally, twisted something within me. I knew it wasn't something I should have been watching but after a certain point, you simply can't turn it off. You HAVE to know how it's going to end. So we finished that and were fairly satisfied with the ending, however upsetting it was. That was that.
Then, however, we decided to watch the movie that has been the cause of my lack of sleep. I wanted to blog about this last night but I honestly couldn't bring myself to put it into words. It was the story of demons that existed in mirrors and caused horrible things to happen to those who looked into them. Something about this movie absolutely terrified me. And as I went to sleep on friday night on the pull out couch in my living room, I lay across from a large mirror and became almost sick with fear. Paralyzed under heaps of blankets and sweating (it was 80 degrees in my living room) I tried to focus on Confessions of a Shopaholic that I carefully made sure would be on for as long as possible. Finally, I fell asleep around 3, I believe, and woke up slightly terrified at 6:30 when I realized that someone else was awake, which makes me feel significantly safer. I then got up and went back to sleep beside my mom until 9:15, when I carefully made my way back down to the living room and fell asleep for another hour beside Sarah, who never knew I had left.
Now, it's a quarter to eleven and I'm a little nauseous, and feeling very anxious about going to sleep. I register that these things are only movies that really cannot affect me in real life, but somehow illogical things seem to make sense when it's dark and quiet during the wee hours of morning.
So last night, as I lay awake, reading "It's a Hunt Life", I basically made a decision to stay up until I had to get ready for class. I actually looked up what time the sun was anticipated to rise, as if it would comfort me. I believe I feel asleep around six, 59 minutes before the world would awaken.
I'm praying with all my heart that I won't have another night like the last. Nothing terrifies me more than fear.
On a more positive note, I've decided that I want to get engaged in the winter and married in the fall--the colder months are my favorite. I have decide that I want my bridesmaids and I to walk down the aisle to "Love Never Fails" by Brandon Heath. I've decided that while I really look forward to my wedding, I'm not in a rush to get married.  I know that I have a great deal of personal growth to pursue, and that I need to learn to focus more on God and less on the future. I won't be able to be in a solid, loving, steady relationship unless it focuses around Him, and He remains more important than the man that I love. In this light, I figure that I have plenty of time to meet and fall in love with my soulmate, my destined other, what have you. And right now, I'll be working toward soothing my anxious soul and grower closer to God.

Dear Loved One

I don't know you yet. At least, I don't believe I do. But I want you to know that I pray for you sometimes. That you're growing to be a man after God's own heart, like David. That we can share a wealth of love and a desire for justice together. Love, not only for each other but for the world. That you'll help me grow and that I will do the same for you. There's so much in my past that I'm working on putting behind me. There's so much I need to change before we can find one another, but I know that God will put you into my life at exactly the right time. Exactly when I need you. Exactly when it is right for me to have you. Dear Loved One, wait for me; I am waiting for you.

השתמש בי אדני לתפארת שלך

Invisible Children
Compassion International

Industries that focus so widely on social justice. Industries that are doing something, making some things right in some way. Here I am blogging about justice. My heart yearns to make a difference. I'm tired of living in my own arrogance and privilege.
I just want to make a difference. I want to be called outside of my comfort zone.

Today I'm sick of me.
Yesterday I was, as well.
You see, lately I've been feeling as though I don't do many things right, but I do many many things wrong. I feel distanced from the only one I've ever known, and am in fact beginning to doubt his existence.
This may be because I haven't taken the time to remember him.
I've ignored him for the past week and a half (and yes, that is how long it takes for my mind to swerve).
I've done things he's told me not to do.
I've not done things I felt I should do.
I feel as though I've lost his approval.
So that's part of all this, I suppose.
I also feel like I need a change of scenery.
Wenham is a beautiful place, and the leaves are beginning to turn orange and yellow. I love foliage. I love the pond that is still half-buried underneath lily pads. I love the steeple that stands proudly atop the chapel. I love the sky. I love the sunset--watching the steeple gleam white in contrast to the firey pinks and purples and oranges that set the sky ablaze.
But I hate it here, at the same time.
It is much better than, say, January of last year. When I felt completely alone. But at the same time, I'm just feeling completely disgusted with myself, and with the people that I've left behind. I don't want to talk to them, I don't want to be involved in their lives, I don't want to read about their unresolved problems on facebook.
I hate facebook. It's very dramatic.
I want to go to a place where people value the food on their table and the roof over their head above the clothes in their closet and the car in their driveway. I want to be in a place that lives life simply. Where every ray of sun is another breath that they've gotten to breathe.
I don't know where this place is, but I'm praying that God will lead me there. I'm tired of the place that I am.
I've applied to voyage off to Northern Ireland in January. There, I would have the joy of tutoring and entertaining Irish children. I would absolutely adore the opportunity to do this, and if I'm accepted I doubt that I'll hesitate to go, but it just seems to me that something is missing. Theres an element of need that I'm not sure those people have. There's a lack of simplicity that I yearn for. I want to sleep in the dirt for a while, I suppose.
And what is funny is that these words have my mothers breath. These are the things she would say, and in fact, has said. She wants to live like they live. She wants to suffer the way they suffer. She suffers in her own way if she can't.
And here I am, desperately trying not to be her, but at the same time, tragically falling into her footsteps. It terrifies me that we may not be so different as I once thought we were. She is almost incapable of finding contentment and joy, and the image of her misery, her tears, her broken heart, this image is burned into the back of my mind as a prediction for my future.
"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." (Psalm 37:4). When the path your life is traveling down turns out so differently than you've hoped it would be its hard to delight in the Lord. I understand this passage as implying that when you delight only in the Lord, he will make his desires your desires. But I'm afraid that my desires may be very different than his. And my question is whether or not I'll be able to find happiness without those things that I anticipate greatly. I constantly ask him to use me, use me, make a difference through me; well, what if I turn out to be "just another girl"?
We all change anothers' life in some way, I suppose.
Here's my wheatwhich. Off to read land of the green plums.

Something

Something incredible
Something memorable
Something changing
Something
I want to do something
With my breath and my pulse
With my sight and my sound
With my hands and my feet
Something
Something that makes life worth living for someone
Someone who's been hurt
Who will be hurt
Who has lived in hurt
Someone who knows suffering
Someone who knows luxury
Something
Something to change a life