Well then

Tomorrow brings coffee with the ex and a stupid doctors appointment {at 9:45am} but I can't sleep on account of my terrible sleeping habits and i'm feeling very anxious right now. And I'm panicing a little bit out of fear that next semester will be like last year's spring semester, and that I will spend an extended amount of time crying in my room or the lounge. Because I feel just straight up awful. So I could really use some prayer guys, but I could also use some advice and/or words of encouragement, if you have them to offer. Please.

Thanks so much.

On the mental health continuum, here's me.

Stable------------------------Panicky-------------------Mental Breakdown--------//---Me.


I'm on life-altering information overload. Too much. Too much this week. There must be smoking pouring from my facial cavities, because my mind is fried. Thinking clearly is a thing of the past. Enjoying a class, a thing of the past. Stability? You know it. A thing of the past. And I'm being told that I need to learn to handle stress better, and let me tell you: SO FRIGGIN' TRUE. When I'm all grown up and am a social worker, I'll go to intense counseling on a weekly basis and take up crafting to the extreme for cathartic measures. Right now, though, I'm going home, and I'll be away from this place, these people, and cell service until sunday evening. For two days, I'm free. Praise the Lord.

In the mean time, please please please continue praying. My friend is standing at the edge of the precipice, playing with the defined line that is life, another friends grandmother is right there, as well, and things aren't looking up, and my own sanity is at risk for other reasons that shall go undiscussed on a public forum. So yes, prayer.

I'll leave you with some soothing music that I've found greatly appeasing: Vous Êtes mon Coeur by Güngor, I find completely beautiful. I love french, I love this style of music, I love the harmonizing going on here. Basically, wonderful. You are my heart.

Kill me, heal me, on and on

What to do when you have a friend going through intense depression? Well, that's something I'm asking myself right now. How to help, how to not say the wrong thing, how to get across that you love them and want them to be there. It's hard. Pray for them is my only (and probably best) option right now, and I would ask that you pray for them too. Thanks.

Today Was Like Love

I woke up this morning exhausted, struggled through two classes and a chapel, and as I was falling asleep during naptime around 11:30, I thought to myself, If I'm not sure if I'm okay, does that mean I'm not okay?

Last semester I struggled a lot with depression, and the year before that. Nothing too serious, but enough to confine me to my room most of the time and cry myself to sleep regularly. I had some solid support, my ex boyfriend was so great about it and did his best to help me, and I had a couple of good friends who were there for me to lean on, but it was a really difficult time. Sometimes I would be sitting in chapel and wonder what it would be like to jump off the balcony, or be standing on a bridge and wonder how effective it would be to jump. I don't know if I'd have done anything, but my mom's voice was always going through my head from a time in tenth grade that I was dealing with something similar, telling me "If anything happened to you, I'd have no reason to live."

Lately, things have been hard. No where near as hard as they were last semester, but lonely and sad, and I just don't want things to get to that point again.

I woke up at one and got ready for class, and then afterward I wandered around campus for a while, first going to the dock and realizing that someone was already there, and then scoping out Frost to see if I could locate the prayer room, to no avail at first. So I texted Chuck and then he, being the wonderful guy that he is, excused himself from class to call me and tell me where it was. As if he knew I needed it today. 

So I walk into this room, and the first thing I do is start to cry, because it's all I can do. This room is {first of all} so cozy. It's warm with the perfect lighting and just the right size. And then the walls are covered with drawn pictures and quotes written in crayon everywhere. Everyone talking to God. It was such a beautiful experience, sitting in this room that so many other people had contributed to. 

It seems right that tomorrow is the day of prayer. 

And in honor of the day of prayer, I give you a list of some of my favorite praise and worship songs.

Beautiful Things - {Gungor}
The Stand - {Hillsong}
Oceans from the Rain {Seventh Day Slumber}
Forever Reign {Hillsong}
In Christ Alone {Owl City}
Amazing Because It Is {The Almost}
Praise You In This Storm {Casting Crowns}
How He Loves {David Crowder Band}
Indescribable {Chris Tomlin}
Came To My Rescue {Hillsong}
What Faith Can Do {Kutless}

Also, if any of you, my readers, ever need prayer, feel free to shoot me an email. 

These Nights

Its been a few weeks now that I've had trouble sleeping. Every night, it seems, I go to bed, exhausted and ready just to sleep. Then I toss and turn for hours before I finally fall asleep, and when I do, I sleep for a few hours and wake up with some sort of terrible nightmare. Such has been the cycle of sleep for me. I'm not sure whats going on with me. I just know that I have to figure out how to cope with this. It's exhausting.
On another note, it is now november first! 55 days until christmas everyone, and only one month until ABC Family's 25 Days of Christmas, a very exciting time of the year. Three weeks until thanksgiving, 12 days until  I get to go home for the weekend. So many things to look forward to. However, I first need to get through this week. An essay in spanish, journals in sociology, and I haven't even looked at the syllabus for Nobel Lit. It'll be a week full of work, which is something that I can't say I've done much of this semester. I may actually benefit from dousing myself in work, holing up in the library. i need to find my self discipline, my determination, my motivation. I need to remember what made me run before I became so lazy. I need to kick this laziness.

Also, if anyone happens to read this, I would ask for your prayer requests right now. I haven't had nightmares like this since I was a child. I'm not sure what has brought them on, though I suspect the self exposure to horror movies may have contributed to that (this is exactly what I mean when I speak of self discipline). I'm also just meandering on the brink of failure, I believe, too. Sleeping all the time, missing classes, procrastinating, taking things too personally, and questioning the choices I've made. Prayer would be greatly appreciated.

I hope you all have an easier time of getting to sleep than I have and than I most likely will tonight. Enjoy the beginning of an entirely new month!