A Catalog of My Thoughts

First:
I've been spending a lot of time with/talking with Nate and its definitely been a challenge. It doesn't make me forget the reasons we broke up, per se, but it certainly reminds me of what a fantastic person he is. He told me "I don't know what the future holds but I know who holds the future." And how right he is. So when I start to fret about the Nate situation, I remind myself that if we are supposed to be together, we will be together. If we're not, we will not. But no matter what, I know that God has got this whole situation under control, and so it's not something that I need to worry about. It's very comforting.

Second:
I'm very happy that I've been able to find such a friend in Chuck. He's a really good guy. He came to visit me today (drove all the way from Lebanon to Alexandria) and made me friend request all these people. He understands my issues and is encouraging me, which is such a nice feeling.

Third:
Sarah's friend Eli and I have been talking a bit, which has also been very encouraging. I have to quote this, if solely because it is such a boost for my morale. He told me "you're a rock star of a gal" and meant it. I just love that. I want to get it tattooed somewhere (not really. ugh. but it did make me feel...better than I've been feeling.)

Fourth:
I'm very proud of Nathan because he did something very difficult today. I think it made me respect him a little more, too.

Fifth:
I've made leeway with my mom in the Harry Potter category. She even picked the first DVD up at the library for me the other day! I've been watching it for two days. I can't get enough. The end of this movie always makes me a little teary-eyed, when Neville wins the winning ten points for Gryffindor for standing up to his friends. Oh it's just so wonderful. I'm getting a bit emotional just writing about it.

I go back to school on tuesday! I have so much cleaning, packing and socializing to do! Wish me luck!

So I'm sitting here and thinking about how lame my break is and whatnot, and then I start lingering on facebook, where I stumble upon a little survey that a friend filled out, and one of the questions was: when was the last time you really laughed?

Well, I answered this one in my head.
Last thursday. When Nate came over.


And for the past few weeks I've had some serious spiritual issues, and who do I talk to about it? Not my mom, because as much as I love her, I can't stand it when she preaches at me. Not anyone from school, because for a christian campus, we're awful tight-lipped about our individual spirituality. No, I talk to Nate. And when bad things happen, who do I want to talk to?

He's really just a four year old at heart.

This guy.

Which complicates my whole mind set. Because as much as I don't want to be with him, there's always this little nagging feeling that maybe I really do want to be with him.

Now what is that about?

It's pretty frustrating.

The Waiting Place

So I guess I'm just waiting for divine intervention or some supernatural epiphany to help me figure this whole thing out. Weighing pros and cons got old about three months ago.

Good one, God

If there was ever any debate about whether or not God has an impecable sense of humor, take a magnifying glass to my life and there's your evidence.
Now, I just got out of a relationship. A good one, mind you, so while I'm still harboring feelings for him, they're not negative, and I'm not experiencing any aversion to men or anything like that. So there are two that I find relatively attractive.
Thinking about this, it's weird for me. Never have I been even relatively interested in two guys at the same time. Well I guess "interested in" is too specific a term. In fact, I'm not interested in either, would not expect anything from whatever you might call what this is, but lets call it a crush for now. If I want to feel like a twelve year old.
Any way, yesterday, on my way back from the gym, my roommate and I stopped at the dining hall so we could get milk for our cereal. I'm there in my hideous gym clothes and my frizzy hair and my face with makeup smeared around like paint. And of course, there he is. He who shall go unnamed for sake of anonymity. And what's more, he sees me. Of course he sees me. Because it's funny that he should. So he smiles and waves and I almost melt because I am completely undeserving of his notice, and my wonderful roommate looks at me and basically screams "awwwww that's so presh." Well, thanks Liz. He probably heard you. So good, happens to everyone, right?
Now the second of these two gentlemen has caused me a great deal of anxiety for varied reasons over the past month, and I have been holding something against him for a week now. A grudge of sorts, although I don't really think that I hold grudges. Not legitimate ones. But basically, I've been angry with him for about a week. We won't get into the why of the matter, but there it is.
And today, of course, God decides to play a joke on me. So I'm sitting at dinner, shoving my face with a very messy meal that I constructed myself, I'm a mess of marinara and cheese, and who should come up to me but this young man, who we'll call subject number two. I've mentioned him in a previous post or two. And does he say hello? No, instead he walks up behind me and holds my head in his hand and says "Aww that's so cute! You're so cute!" And kisses me on the top of the head.
First of all: What?
Next: Really?
And my roommate asks him to sit down. Thanks Liz. And now here I am, sitting across from him with marinara sauce practically running down my face while he talks about thanksgiving and what not, and I'm stuttering and stammering, unable to think of the right thing to say {which certainly is not unusual for me} and he's just sitting there, more chipper than usual. Wonderful.
So now, how can you be angry at someone after that? Wish I could be, but I just can't. I guess it's a lesson. When I figure out what kind of lesson, I'll let you know {I probably won't, don't get your hopes up}.

Also, my room smells like garbage.
Enjoy your evening.


Note: I hope you don't find me a blasphemer. I really think God does have a sense of humor, and I'm not bitter about these experiences but find them completely ridiculous, albeit somewhat unfortunate.

Be positive...be positive.

First things first: this photo does not belong to me, I stumbled upon it.
Next.
The little piece of paper on the window says that "every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day." SO TRUE. And I think this is something we need to focus on. For instance. Today, I got five and a half hours of sleep, woke up to endure two miserable classes, during the second of which a girl snapped at me for providing accurate information about a class that I will not be taking next semester, went to chapel and listened to people make rude remarks and illogical and somewhat arrogant propositions, went back to my room for a while then went to register for classes during which I found out that I will need to spend close to two grand to take a may term class, then went to power and prestige and poverty and watched that SAME GIRL mutter to herself and roll her eyes at every comment all through class. After all this, I was given a two word response by a certain fella, read for an hour and a half a book about inequality, ate a less-than-pleasant dinner, came back to my room and spent more than three hours doing spanish homework, and now am ready to kill myself. HOWEVER, i'm going to focus on the fact that I have a bag full of nerds to eat, a bed to sleep in, a job to earn money from tomorrow, it's almost friday, i'm hanging out with said certain fella on friday, more money on saturday, tea party saturday, and as for today, it was nice out. Joy joy joy.
Those last couple of joys may have implied a feeling less joyful than what I have been aiming for. Eh, not such a joyful day, I suppose. But I'm not feeling so much despair today, just exhaustion, so I'll be fine.
On another note, I was listening to my iTunes whilst writing a spanish essay and wanted to share this song with you. The first time I heard it I was listening to my iPod at work a few weeks before I broke up with Nate and I just broke down into a big mess of tears and heartbreak and confusion, but now I listen to it, and it's just a really pretty, really moving song.

Oh My Dear {Tenth Avenue North} 

I called you up, you were in bed, could barely make out the words that you said
But you wanted to see me instead, so I got dressed
So I stepped out into the snow, and walked for a mile or so
Felt the rush of blood come from the cold, within my chest

Well, you finally came to the door, and we talked for an hour or more
Until I asked if you would stay up until four, and you said that's fine
But you said "theres something I have to say, and I can just because I am so afraid"
And so I held you as you started to shake, that night

Oh, my dear, ill wait for you
Grace tonight will pull us through
Until the tears have left your eyes
Until the fear can sleep at night
Until the demons that you're scared of
Disappear inside
Until the scale begins to crack
And this weight falls from your back
Oh, my dear, ill keep you in my arms tonight

You slowly lifted your head from your hands
You said "I just don't think you'll understand
You'll never look at me that way again
If you knew what I dida"

And so your tears fell and melted the snow
You told me secrets nobody had known
But I never loved you more, even though
Now I know what you did

Oh, my dear, ill wait for you
Grace tonight will pull us through
Oh, my dear, ill wait for you
Grace tonight will pull us through
Until the tears have left your eyes
Until the fear can sleep at night
Until the demons that you're scared of
Disappear inside
Until the scale begins to crack
And this weight falls from your back
Oh, my dear, ill keep you in my arms tonight

Until the tears have left your eyes
Until the fear can sleep at night
Until the demons that you're scared of
Disappear inside
Until the scale begins to crack
And this weight falls from your back
Oh, my dear, ill keep you in my arms tonight
I'll keep you in my arms tonight

October in New England

It goes something like this: two or three weeks ago, close to 90 degrees outside. Last night, snow. Tomorrow night, 3-5 INCHES of SNOW. Ah, new england, no medication is strong enough to your height of bipolarity.
So this weekend is filled with lots of miscellaneousness. First thing tomorrow, I awake to go craft shopping and thrifting with the Sarahs, followed by some crafting (the construction of the invitations for Teebs birthday party) which simply THRILLS me. Then, there is the potential of some homework, as I have about 400 pages to read by next friday. At 5:30 I have a very nerve wracking meeting of a two year old and a three year old. Oh yeah, and their parents. That's right, Ke$h's officially a Gordon College babysitter. And for $30 a week, I have no complaints. So we'll see how that goes, but I'm pumped. I love the children. Then lets see, sunday I have church at the crack of dawn, and then I have studying and homeworking in the library until a reasonable hour to which I shall troll back to my room, across our forsaken campus, and sleep until 7ish on halloween to begin a glorious new week; the one which begins November. I'm very excited.
You see, the closer to november we get, the closer to thanksgiving (which I love), and then the closer to christmas which means a whole month off. Very exciting.
Anyhow, moving on.
The last couple of days have done me in. I'm not sure whats going on with me but I've been feeling quite inexplicably lonely and have slept we-hay-haaaay too much. For example, thursday I set my alarm for 8:45. The next thing I know, it's 11:15 and I have to get up to get ready for class. This morning, I set my alarm for 6:45 and didn't wake up until 9:15. Now, while I always love sleep, I missed two classes today and my guilt is radiating, even though I most likely did not miss anything important. Just the idea that I've gotten to that point that I miss class to sleep. It's just not me. I need to get my life together. Also, I've been really missing Nate the past couple of days. And not just "oh, I wish I had a boyfriend" kind of missing him, but "what if we were actually meant to be together?" kind of missing him. When I start to think that way I remind myself that if I really loved him I wouldn't have feelings for someone else, that I'm just longing for a relationship, that I spend a significant amount of time by myself at school and it gets lonely, and that it was comfortable. Then I remind myself that I don't want a relationship that's built just off of comfort, I don't want to settle, and that love needs to be passionate, abnormal, wonderful (if such a thing exists) to be lasting. Or whatever. I obviously don't know what I'm talking about, completely. I've just been thinking that nate is a really good guy and maybe I threw something away. But no.
So this is my self talk. Just a recap of the past couple of days. Sorry for exposing all of you to that. Oh, lets be real, there's none of you. It's just me who reads this. Oh well.
I hope you all have a magnificent weekend. I may or may not be back here tomorrow. We'll see.

Also, Dear Reader

I felt it necessary to share this with you. A justification of the end of my healthy yet safe past relationship:

Good evening

Saturday night and I can actually say that for the first time I saw Anasapphira play live. Who's Anasapphira, you ask? Why, just the greatest band e'er.

Actually, today was the first time I had ever heard them play, and I went to this show on a strict obligation. You see, the tall, lanky man standing at the far left in the above picture is a friend from home. We went to Honduras together, and braved the terrors of Parkhurst & Co., Inc. together. We helped one another through a pretty rough time and we keep in touch now that I'm back at school. I love 'im. But like a brotha. 

However, the music that he tried to expose me to is what we, here at Gordon College, call "hardcore". I.e., metal, screamo, what have you. All in all, not my kind of music. But the thing about this kind of music is that you can actually feel the passion and energy that they have just from being present.

[Ana Sapphira errone]

That is, if you don't get stepped on and thrown around, which is a pretty viable threat.

Their front man is nuts. In a really awesome way. Its so cool to watch them interact and to watch them feel what they're playing and singing. Just an overall awesome experience. 

There may even be a chance that I would go to another one of their shows. I've been told that they're pretty solid for a metal band (woohoo!). However, I'm 5'3" and 110 pounds so I would be tossed around that place like a feather. I may have to weigh the pros and cons (and the value of my life) before I decide to go. 

On another note, I attended this show with three guys; we'll call them Tom, Dick, and Harry. Harry is a sophomore who I met through college bound (which I'll touch upon at a later time). He's pretty much a space case but he's really thoughtful and really nice. When I was getting trampled, I escaped, and he followed me out to make sure I was all right. Good guy.

Dick is wonderful. A junior at Gordon, he's crazy and hilarious and precious. Also a really good guy. He tried to protect me from the mosh pit, to little avail.

"Tom"...

Ohhh boy. I'm basically in love with him. Which isn't something I should probably be confessing to online. But the chances that he'll stumble upon this are incredibly slim, so I'll worry not. He's a guy that's been through hell for basically his whole life. It's worsened over the past few months. There was a girl involved and family problems that I don't know the depth of but basically, he's a great guy with a lot of bad, messed up, problems. To make things worse, he's one of my ex's best friends (score!). Ultimately, the last person I could ever be involved with. Sooo we'll be working on that. Right there on my to-do list. 

So its saturday night. Tomorrow I get up for church and then spend the afternoon with my beautiful aunt, and then waste away the evening doing homework, and then we begin another beautiful, wonderful week!

My Heart's All A-Patter

For the past three days I've had anxiety about going to bed, and for the past three days I have not slept. You see, all my life I've been hyper sensitive--emotionally and psychologically, especially to horror movies. Well, recently I felt that I had been doing better. I had watched several horror movies that didn't frighten me to my very core and I had very little trouble sleeping following any of them. Thus, watching horror movies this weekend while I was home did not seem like such a terrible idea. On Friday, Sarah, Teebs and I sat down and watched first The Exorcist (how was it legal to make a movie like that?!) and then a movie called Mirrors. Obviously, the first movie not only scared me, but deeply disturbed me. I genuinely believe in demons and possession. I believe in the power that they have and that they can cause serious horror in those who don't have Christ. Seeing something like that happen, even fictionally, twisted something within me. I knew it wasn't something I should have been watching but after a certain point, you simply can't turn it off. You HAVE to know how it's going to end. So we finished that and were fairly satisfied with the ending, however upsetting it was. That was that.
Then, however, we decided to watch the movie that has been the cause of my lack of sleep. I wanted to blog about this last night but I honestly couldn't bring myself to put it into words. It was the story of demons that existed in mirrors and caused horrible things to happen to those who looked into them. Something about this movie absolutely terrified me. And as I went to sleep on friday night on the pull out couch in my living room, I lay across from a large mirror and became almost sick with fear. Paralyzed under heaps of blankets and sweating (it was 80 degrees in my living room) I tried to focus on Confessions of a Shopaholic that I carefully made sure would be on for as long as possible. Finally, I fell asleep around 3, I believe, and woke up slightly terrified at 6:30 when I realized that someone else was awake, which makes me feel significantly safer. I then got up and went back to sleep beside my mom until 9:15, when I carefully made my way back down to the living room and fell asleep for another hour beside Sarah, who never knew I had left.
Now, it's a quarter to eleven and I'm a little nauseous, and feeling very anxious about going to sleep. I register that these things are only movies that really cannot affect me in real life, but somehow illogical things seem to make sense when it's dark and quiet during the wee hours of morning.
So last night, as I lay awake, reading "It's a Hunt Life", I basically made a decision to stay up until I had to get ready for class. I actually looked up what time the sun was anticipated to rise, as if it would comfort me. I believe I feel asleep around six, 59 minutes before the world would awaken.
I'm praying with all my heart that I won't have another night like the last. Nothing terrifies me more than fear.
On a more positive note, I've decided that I want to get engaged in the winter and married in the fall--the colder months are my favorite. I have decide that I want my bridesmaids and I to walk down the aisle to "Love Never Fails" by Brandon Heath. I've decided that while I really look forward to my wedding, I'm not in a rush to get married.  I know that I have a great deal of personal growth to pursue, and that I need to learn to focus more on God and less on the future. I won't be able to be in a solid, loving, steady relationship unless it focuses around Him, and He remains more important than the man that I love. In this light, I figure that I have plenty of time to meet and fall in love with my soulmate, my destined other, what have you. And right now, I'll be working toward soothing my anxious soul and grower closer to God.

Dear Loved One

I don't know you yet. At least, I don't believe I do. But I want you to know that I pray for you sometimes. That you're growing to be a man after God's own heart, like David. That we can share a wealth of love and a desire for justice together. Love, not only for each other but for the world. That you'll help me grow and that I will do the same for you. There's so much in my past that I'm working on putting behind me. There's so much I need to change before we can find one another, but I know that God will put you into my life at exactly the right time. Exactly when I need you. Exactly when it is right for me to have you. Dear Loved One, wait for me; I am waiting for you.

Wedding Movies Were Made for People Like Me

While they were, simultaneously, most definitely NOT made for people like me. I've been sitting in my bed for the past hour and a half watching bride wars and stumbling on weddings. I'm not sure which is more exciting to me: the idea that I still have years ahead of me to meet the love of my life and have a beautiful (and extensively creative) wedding, or the idea that I HAVE FRIENDS. Friends who will let me be crafty and make lovely things for their weddings and help them to plan the weddings. Oh goodness. I've gotten into this terrible mood to do crafts with no means of relieving this unquenched desire. I can't wait!

Oh God,
What are you doing to me?

Tomorrow would be my anniversary. Three years. If I hadn't done what I thought God was calling me to do by removing a romantic relationship from my life. He's been the best and most reliable person I know since we met three years ago. He's never left my side. He's stood by me through the hardest times.
Then I had this dream. He took me by the hand and knelt on the ground, holding a ring up to me and asking me to marry him. My gut reaction was dread.
That, along with many, many other factors led me to the decision to end our relationship after 2 years and 10 months.
But now, after spending 45 minutes on the phone with him, just "catching up", I've never been more confused about our relationship. Sometimes I think that God is telling me that he has to finish working on us, bringing both of us closer to Him, before he can bring us back together. But if that is true, why don't I want to be with him more?
I'm feeling very conflicted right now.

This was from the summer before we started college. 

You know, I'm getting pretty tired of saying "I don't know."

Today I'm sick of me.
Yesterday I was, as well.
You see, lately I've been feeling as though I don't do many things right, but I do many many things wrong. I feel distanced from the only one I've ever known, and am in fact beginning to doubt his existence.
This may be because I haven't taken the time to remember him.
I've ignored him for the past week and a half (and yes, that is how long it takes for my mind to swerve).
I've done things he's told me not to do.
I've not done things I felt I should do.
I feel as though I've lost his approval.
So that's part of all this, I suppose.
I also feel like I need a change of scenery.
Wenham is a beautiful place, and the leaves are beginning to turn orange and yellow. I love foliage. I love the pond that is still half-buried underneath lily pads. I love the steeple that stands proudly atop the chapel. I love the sky. I love the sunset--watching the steeple gleam white in contrast to the firey pinks and purples and oranges that set the sky ablaze.
But I hate it here, at the same time.
It is much better than, say, January of last year. When I felt completely alone. But at the same time, I'm just feeling completely disgusted with myself, and with the people that I've left behind. I don't want to talk to them, I don't want to be involved in their lives, I don't want to read about their unresolved problems on facebook.
I hate facebook. It's very dramatic.
I want to go to a place where people value the food on their table and the roof over their head above the clothes in their closet and the car in their driveway. I want to be in a place that lives life simply. Where every ray of sun is another breath that they've gotten to breathe.
I don't know where this place is, but I'm praying that God will lead me there. I'm tired of the place that I am.
I've applied to voyage off to Northern Ireland in January. There, I would have the joy of tutoring and entertaining Irish children. I would absolutely adore the opportunity to do this, and if I'm accepted I doubt that I'll hesitate to go, but it just seems to me that something is missing. Theres an element of need that I'm not sure those people have. There's a lack of simplicity that I yearn for. I want to sleep in the dirt for a while, I suppose.
And what is funny is that these words have my mothers breath. These are the things she would say, and in fact, has said. She wants to live like they live. She wants to suffer the way they suffer. She suffers in her own way if she can't.
And here I am, desperately trying not to be her, but at the same time, tragically falling into her footsteps. It terrifies me that we may not be so different as I once thought we were. She is almost incapable of finding contentment and joy, and the image of her misery, her tears, her broken heart, this image is burned into the back of my mind as a prediction for my future.
"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." (Psalm 37:4). When the path your life is traveling down turns out so differently than you've hoped it would be its hard to delight in the Lord. I understand this passage as implying that when you delight only in the Lord, he will make his desires your desires. But I'm afraid that my desires may be very different than his. And my question is whether or not I'll be able to find happiness without those things that I anticipate greatly. I constantly ask him to use me, use me, make a difference through me; well, what if I turn out to be "just another girl"?
We all change anothers' life in some way, I suppose.
Here's my wheatwhich. Off to read land of the green plums.