Epiphany

When I broke up with Nate in July, it was partly because I was unhappy, and partly because I felt a very real pull away from him and toward God. I felt like, by continuing my relationship with Nate, that I was defying God's plan in some way that I couldn't understand. That I was being disobedient. Call me crazy, call me a fake, call me what you will, but I know from the depths of my heart that God was calling me away from that relationship.

Well since then, I have been trying to put a significant amount of effort into restoring my relationship with God, and have been working at being the person God has created me to be. However, it has been a struggle. It's been hard figuring out how to go about forming a relationship, how to encourage myself in doing this, and trying to do it on my own. It's been super challenging. Now, I can't say that I don't have some very good friends: I do. I have friends that I love and admire and value greatly. However, I don't have friends that I feel comfortable or able to talk to about faith, especially my struggles with it. I depended on Nate for that, and I do feel that although we're friends, I can't continue to let us both become emotionally involved with one another again if I don't want anything further to come of our relationship.

So I've been feeling discouraged, I've been struggling, and I've been hungry. And I've felt like I've disappointed God because I can't do it right, I can't do it well, and I can't do it by myself.

Today, I had a conversation with a friend. While I went to him for a word of advice, he came to me with more support and encouragement than I could have asked for. The advice I asked for led me into much more of an emotional state than I had expected, which gave way to a conversation about faith and support and the hardships of being a christian. I shared with him how difficult it is to try to grow in Christ on my own. He told me "No, it's not difficult. It's kind of impossible."

I think that is so incredibly encouraging. While I'm still struggling, it definitely helps to know that I'm not letting God down by being unable to do this by myself. It shows me that while I'm not the strongest, I don't have to be, because we aren't designed to pursue Him on our own. That's why Church is so important: it's having a support group. It's having a family that encourages you in your walk so that you do grow. 

I'm still sure that my decision was the right one, but I'm praying that God will bring someone into my life to help me come back to Him.

Just thought I'd share some encouragement, if I can.

Have a lovely weekend!